Liberating Words :-)

I’ve been having so many thoughts lately that keep me completely involved in myself, but what I have noticed is that my thoughts always get me in trouble. I mean, I don’t want to say I am impulsive, although I was very impulsive back in the day. I am just tired of people’s excess of time, and how they choose to spend it. I tend to keep quiet as things are happening, until one day I cannot stay quiet any longer and I explode. Then it turns out I’m the bad guy. This tends to be a pattern with me. But what most people don’t realize, which I guess goes well with human behavior, is the fact that for the past x amount of months or certain events I have been silent. As long as I’m quiet everything is good, right?

There’s a quote by Meryl Streep that I am seeing all over FB, and although she’s a lot older than me, I kind of feel like her at this point in my life. With the exception the last sentence, where she talks about people and animals, I can say I agree with the rest.

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

One of my main faults is always caring too much for people’s opinions. Where has it led me?  I have people who think they have a right to say whatever they want about my life. And the daring who get upset when I try to do something that doesn’t agree with their style of life. Yes, I have my imperfections, after all that’s what makes this life wonderful: human imperfection in a very perfect way. But I deserve to have peace, and to just disengage from the things that cause me to feel stressed, less, humiliated, abandoned, not appreciated, etc.

Have a Blessed Day!

Why Blog? 

I’ve been doing supervision to obtain my mental health counselor license in Florida. During this weekly hour I talk about my clients, and how to continue helping them when I get stuck. However, I have found myself using the last 2 weeks to talk about myself, and I guess I’ve been doing what you call venting. I’ve been trying to make sense of some things that are happening in my life. I guess being in the client chair is what I have been needing. But the reason I am writing this post is not to bore you with the fact that I have to do weekly supervision, but it is in fact to tell you something extremely interesting my supervisor brought up. I spoke about my blog (this blog- haha), and while my supervisor listened, she asked me one simple question: “what are you trying to obtain by exposing your life through social media?” Her question left me dumbfounded because in all honesty I was not expecting it. I found myself defending myself for having this blog, and explaining to her why it was a good tool. Ironically, this same supervisor a few months back had said, “Do anything that you can to feel better with and about yourself”. Wise words had never been spoken. My supervisor without her knowledge had supported my blogging. LOL I guess the words we say can be applied to many aspects of a person’s life. While I don’t write about every bit of my life, I use it when I need it the most. I have shared with my readers some hurtful things, some private things, I have even used my blog to advocate for others, and most recently I used it to share my happy news. I have never taken my blog as an exposé to demand someone’s pity or attention. I feel good writing. It feels good to vent through the written word, I guess that’s why it’s such a powerful and common tool used in CBT. I honestly don’t know if this blog is being used to its full capacity since my family reads it, and sometimes I have to censor the things I saw to not hurt those around me, but in some ways it has helped me. I will keep those to myself, however. 
I have tried to finish my posts with a thank you to my readers. I want to take this time to sincerely thank you again. The fact that someone cares to read my posts means a lot to me. :-) 
God Bless you all. 

A New Phase :-)

I cannot be more excited to share with you that I will be starting a doctoral program at Barry University! I am very excited for this new phase in my life, and I am waiting and hoping that I will be able to use the education I am to receive to help others as much as I can. As I succeed in achieving my life’s goals I can not help but remember the words of the man I was once married to when he told me that I may not able to do anything else with my life because I was sick. I have realized that those words led my existence for far too long. It was hard for me to accept that a person with whom I planned an entire life had turned into this vicious individual. But nevertheless those words were a guiding force. They helped me in my motivation to achieve, to persevere, and so far I have. God has helped me in every step of the way, not only by His eternal love for me, but with the people He has strategically placed in my life that have helped me feel better and be a better human being. 

I have also realized that I lost many people along the way. As an aside, if you “lose a friend” that person should have never been placed in the “friends” category. When I was diagnosed with lupus, I lost so many people that only 2 stayed with me. These girls I consider my sisters. But as time has progressed, as I have grown, matured, learnt, become more faithful, I have found or re-found amazing people with whom I spent time with, and their love and care for me help me every day of my life. I have support from people I never would have imagined. I am grateful for their kindness and dedication. 

Thank you to all of those who love me even though I have days where I am in pain, bad tempered, depressive, etc. Thank you!!!

  

Amazing Song…Good Pick Me Up

This song is a great reminder for those who forget their worth. We have to believe in ourselves. :-)Amazing!
I am adding the video with the English lyrics at the bottom, so you can understand it. Don’t forget to like!

Creo En Mi by Natalia Jimenez

I Believe In Me

I’ve been told I’m a good for nothing
and the air I breathe is of more
I’ve been nailed to the wall against the sword
I’ve lost the will to even cry

But my back is turned
I’m standing and alert
To me left from zero does not apply

oooh, oooh, oh, I believe in me
oooh, oooh, oh, I believe in me

Missiles nor bullets scare me
So much war has gave me metal wings, haaa
I glide freely and fly over grenades
Never again will I be dragged through the floor

I’m no longer for sale
I’m standing and alert
To me left from zero does not apply

ooh, ooh, oh, I believe believe believe in me
ooh, ooh, oh, I believe believe believe

We’re all so different, unique, originals
If you don’t like it, I do. not. care
Out of everything that has happened the best is yet to come

oooh, oooh

oooh, oooh, oh, I believe in me
oooh, oooh, oh, I believe in me

Taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/creo-en-mi-i-believe-myself.html#songtranslation#ixzz3aSBNdnlW

Has Anyone Ever Thought of This?

I have never been what you call a typical teenager, young adult, and now an adult. Ever since I can remember I was surrounded by people who were older than me. I was the youngest on both sides of my parent’s family, so I guess you can say I became used to being, appreciating and learning from people who were older than me. In all honesty, I am grateful for the life I had and have because my reasoning of things have always been of a different caliber than of a person my age.

However, I can understand when friends or acquaintances closer to my age asks themselves, why is it that I enjoy hanging out with people who are 20, 30, even 40 years my senior. And honestly I can say that the things I learn from their experiences help me become a better person. I appreciate things through their world view and I understand and value what they have to teach not through theory but through their life experiences, which no schooling can teach. I consider myself a lucky woman to have the opportunity to spend time with people that are willing to teach me, take care of me, and value the person I am and the person I continue to become.

There is also the stance that I am almost 30 years old… well in 3 years, but still! (Haha)  My wants and needs are not the wants and needs of a 23, 24, 25 year old; as silly as that may sound. I am ready for a family, stability, and a home. I already passed my party years; the drinking, the experimenting, the discovering. Now I am ready to discover a life with a life partner that is willing to love me and give me the family I desire, and hopefully one day will achieve. In the meantime, I am enjoying the people who are often discounted as valuable members in our society. The older a person, the more experience, and the more they have to offer others. Never take a person for granted because there is always room to learn. There is always the possibility to create new bonds, new friendships, and possibly new families.

God Bless you all.

Consequences

Recently, my family arrive, specifically my aunt and my grandmother are visiting us from Cuba. I had planned, coordinated, saved with them in mind these last few months. It was with much heartache that I soon realized they would not be staying with me. My aunt and cousin that live in Georgia drove down to my house, and from there we all drove to Miami to pick them up at the airport. The excitement I felt waiting for my loved ones to appear was unexplainable. Although, I was tired and in pain, I was extremely happy to see them. I felt like a little girl reunited with her family. My parents were the only ones missing, and I surely missed them. So, we received them, and 2 days later it was decided I would be left alone. I would be left exactly as I was found. But this is something I could stand, after all I made the decision to move down to Florida without my family, and I have been doing okay. I have my moments of loneliness. I have my moments of despair, but I know God is there, and I know that by making a phone call to my the woman who gave me life my worries diminish.

Going back to my family that just arrived for a 3 month visit. I felt the dynamic to be distant even though there is love between us. So this is where the title of this posting will make sense. In October of 1995, my parents, brother and I boarded a plane to come to the promise land leaving our family behind. That implied a better future for us, but a distancing from the family that saw me when I was born, raised me and took care of me. I lost that spiritual connection with them. It hurts me to admit it, but I am no longer a part of that family circle. I am the granddaughter, niece, cousin that left her family to have a bright future. It is true that with the good always comes that bad. With this thought, I can’t help but think of Fidel Castro and the destruction of millions of families separated for the same reason. Fidel Castro does not pay in a million years what he has done to the people of Cuba. No one understands what it is like to live in a country where freedom is an idea, never a reality. Where families leave their country, not because they want to but because they have to. Doing something as an obligation for a better life is not the same as doing something for the pleasure of it, as I am sure many of you have realized.

May you have a Blessed day.

Lent and Me

I was away this time because I was trying to keep away from all social media as my “giving up” something I enjoy for Lent. I must say I have been somewhat successful. I came back to posting because this is more of a therapy for me. I have found in writing some of the things in my life to help me process and let of the baggage that sometimes weakens my soul. I wish I could dare myself to be more out there, and just talk about everything, but then nothing would be left for me. Right?

To talk about a lighter subject, I have not been on my Facebook account, which has made me realize how pathetically obsessed I am with it. So the question comes to mind? What is the fascination with learning about other people’s lives? I have studied psychology, which is the study of human behavior, but I still find it amazing how people, no matter the race, ethnicity or age, all enjoy going on FB either to snoop around or to post their achievements and a very few post their “failures”. It is crazy to think that giving up the most widely used social utility, I guess Twitter could be as big of not bigger, is highly addictive. I think this has been the hardest lent for me. I think next year I may fins something else to give up. I find myself surfing the web for random things. I also find myself picking up my phone with the intention of going on FB only to shortly remember that I purposefully erased the app from my phone as a reminded that FB is off limits until April 2nd. 

I only have a few more days to go. Interestingly enough, I will be in MD April 2nd, so my first post will be in MD after a 40 day hiatus. 

God Bless.

Never Ready For Something Like This

Today after a long day of working, I called my parents awaiting the diagnosis of a biopsy that took place about a week ago. My dad, my ideal of a man, my superhero, the man that has set the standard high for any other man that tries to come into my life, was diagnosed with prostate cancer today.
Growing up with a man that has a been a beacon of health and strength has always been admirable, a motivation to continue, and my strength when I got sick came from his genes and of course my mom’s. At first , I did not believe what I had heard on the phone, I had a client which needed my attention, so I did not have time to sit down and actually process the news. On my way home, I called my mom to get the specifics of the current situation and realized that it was a reality. My dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and tomorrow a test is going to be done to see if it has spread. My reaction was to cry, and cry some more and think, “I can’t believe this”. I am not really sure what this will mean for the family. I am a 1,000 miles away from them. I think that’s the worse part; not being able to be there for them.
I am going to take this opportunity to tell my dad, if he happens to read this, the many things I never told him because I was never courageous enough. I grew with this feeling that my dad did not love me. I thought his adoration for my brother consumed his heart and I was left in the dark of a love I always strived to obtain, but never quite achieved. I realized and felt the love my dad has for me when I got sick. At first, he was in denial. He could not admit that I was ill, that my illness was more real than he could stand. He closed off and I felt abandoned. His anger and resentment as a response to the family changes caused him to abandon me when I needed the support. It took him about a year to understand what was really going on and to be there for me. That day, I realized that my dad did in fact love me but like so many of us, he has a hard time showing his love, and he’s not the best at communication. My dad is the type of person that loves it when people show him love and care, but he has a hard time showing it back although he is a deeply feeling person. Throughout the years I have learn this about him, and I accept him. For a long time, I felt resentment, and I think in a way I still did, but God has a very special way of showing me that my resentment is irrational because all people deserve second chances. All people have the right to make mistakes and be forgiven. I have been mad at him, but at the same time I have always wanted to make him proud. I have always wanted to show him how much I love him, and it’s funny because my mom always says to me,”you love your dad more than you love me, his opinion is the only one that counts”. I must say that what my dad thinks of me does matter, and I am so proud to call him my dad. I’m so proud of the person I am because through his teachings and my mom’s I have become the person I am. The good and the bad is all a representation of them. God has blessed me with amazing and dedicated parents, and I could not ask for any other. I love you so much dad. I am so happy to have you in my life. I am sorry if I don’t say it enough. This is just another hurdle in this adventure we call life.
I’ll see you soon.
Blessings.

An Overdue “Thank You”

I have this really good friend at work that keeps me humble. She is a woman that has shown me that there are still those who are pure of heart. Thank you. I will not say her name for obvious reasons, but I have been wanting to write a post in her honor since she has taught me so much. Anyway, she and I went to mass the other day before work, and she got to read the first reading, which was this:

Beloved, we love God because He first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is begotten by God, and everyone who loves the Father loves also the one begotten by him. In this way we know that we love the children of God when we love God and obey his commandments. For the love of God is this, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for whoever is begotten by God conquers the world. And the victory that conquers the world is our faith.

1 John 4:19-5:4

As I heard her reading this, and the emphasis she gave it as she looked at me with a big smile on her face I knew she was once again teaching me how to get closer to God. This was such a beautiful reminder of God’s love for me. Then the priest emphasized this reading with the Homily in which he said that loving someone is a conscious choice we make, and that emotions are ambivalent therefore we cannot guide our decisions by them because when someone does something nice we feel they are great and want to “love” them, but when they do something bad then we do not like them, and want to “hate” them. At that moment many things fell into place for me, especially when I thought back to my broken marriage. I had realized that no one had promised to love me forever and do what Mignon Mclaughling said about the secret to a successful marriage,”…requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”. I guess that choice was not made when my ex-husband and I said “I do” before God. I am glad I was able to be reminded that loving someone is a conscious choice because hopefully the second time around it will made consciously.

Im Back!

It’s been a while since I wrote in my blog. I guess you could say my life has been busy these last months, and I am having this amazing time getting to know me again. I am currently seeing someone, its recent but it is going really well. I also just bought a house, something that has me feeling accomplished and proud. Of course, this purchase would not have been possible without the help of my parents and support as usual. God has been so merciful with me when it comes to my parents. I could not ask for better ones. Work is okay. It’s sad when you realize the people you thought cared really don’t, but you live and you learn. After 3 years of being alienated from the outside world coming into it again things are not bad. People will be people, and I have to take the best out of every experience. I have wanted to write about all of these positive changes in my life, but somehow I’ve been trying to keep it all to myself. I guess that’s not really allowed when you have a blog, right? Lol
Let me first talk about this wonderful man God has placed in my path. He is kind, generous, loving, understanding, a man of faith, a family man, and the best thing he has is that he wants to take care of me with lupus and everything that comes with it. God kept this man for me, and I’m lucky enough to enjoy him as my boyfriend. This man’s family is sweet and they have taken me in without any reservations. I am so happy! Everything I lacked in my marriage I am finding in him. What more could I ask for?
So…I bought a house in Florida, so I guess this means I am officially a Floridian! I am here for good, and I love my new home and life. I am living with this really cool girl that keeps me young, even though I am 26 I act like a 50 year old, my housemate is 23 and acts her age, so it’s a good balance. I am grateful for having met her. I wanted to go back and go into more detail with the mishaps that have happened at work, especially since I have already lost 2 people in FL that showed me so much care and love at the beginning. However, I have come to the understanding that God places people in our lives so that they can help us in some way, and then takes them away when more damage than good will come from the relationship. It has taken me a lot of acceptance of the person I am and acceptance of others to realize that, on top of the fact that my faith in God grows everyday a little. He has tested me lately and has achieved me to get closer and fonder of His grace and kindness in my life. But I will always hold those people close to my heart remembering their kindness when I needed it the most.
Christmas and New Years are around the corner…and I get to spend them with my family, boyfriend and his family. There are no words to explain the happiness that this brings to my life after having lost faith in love and in the possibility of finding someone worthwhile. I am so blessed. Thank you Lord for never forgetting about me.