Today after a long day of working, I called my parents awaiting the diagnosis of a biopsy that took place about a week ago. My dad, my ideal of a man, my superhero, the man that has set the standard high for any other man that tries to come into my life, was diagnosed with prostate cancer today.
Growing up with a man that has a been a beacon of health and strength has always been admirable, a motivation to continue, and my strength when I got sick came from his genes and of course my mom’s. At first , I did not believe what I had heard on the phone, I had a client which needed my attention, so I did not have time to sit down and actually process the news. On my way home, I called my mom to get the specifics of the current situation and realized that it was a reality. My dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and tomorrow a test is going to be done to see if it has spread. My reaction was to cry, and cry some more and think, “I can’t believe this”. I am not really sure what this will mean for the family. I am a 1,000 miles away from them. I think that’s the worse part; not being able to be there for them.
I am going to take this opportunity to tell my dad, if he happens to read this, the many things I never told him because I was never courageous enough. I grew with this feeling that my dad did not love me. I thought his adoration for my brother consumed his heart and I was left in the dark of a love I always strived to obtain, but never quite achieved. I realized and felt the love my dad has for me when I got sick. At first, he was in denial. He could not admit that I was ill, that my illness was more real than he could stand. He closed off and I felt abandoned. His anger and resentment as a response to the family changes caused him to abandon me when I needed the support. It took him about a year to understand what was really going on and to be there for me. That day, I realized that my dad did in fact love me but like so many of us, he has a hard time showing his love, and he’s not the best at communication. My dad is the type of person that loves it when people show him love and care, but he has a hard time showing it back although he is a deeply feeling person. Throughout the years I have learn this about him, and I accept him. For a long time, I felt resentment, and I think in a way I still did, but God has a very special way of showing me that my resentment is irrational because all people deserve second chances. All people have the right to make mistakes and be forgiven. I have been mad at him, but at the same time I have always wanted to make him proud. I have always wanted to show him how much I love him, and it’s funny because my mom always says to me,”you love your dad more than you love me, his opinion is the only one that counts”. I must say that what my dad thinks of me does matter, and I am so proud to call him my dad. I’m so proud of the person I am because through his teachings and my mom’s I have become the person I am. The good and the bad is all a representation of them. God has blessed me with amazing and dedicated parents, and I could not ask for any other. I love you so much dad. I am so happy to have you in my life. I am sorry if I don’t say it enough. This is just another hurdle in this adventure we call life.
I’ll see you soon.