Neither Here Nor There

It has been a while since I dedicated some time to my blog. It feels out of place somehow. But in speaking to a colleague the other day, I shared about my blog and he reminded me that my blog needed some TLC. So here I am! So much has happened since my last posting. Among other things I changed jobs, which was one of the best decisions of my life! I am excited to embark in the world of academia. I am also in the process of moving, which requires me sell my current home and buying a new one closer to my job. It’s a lot of stress and a bit overwhelming, especially since I am doing this alone, but it helps me to grow and learn a little everyday.

I feel so happy with where my life is at this moment. Although, the loneliness kicks in at times. But I am patiently waiting, and to be honest I am not looking for my prince charming which obviously took a detour somewhere and he is currently finding his way to me. LOL   I must make a joke out of this, and I am grateful I can if not I would be crying and lamenting.

Something extremely exciting that happened to me was I went skydiving. Well, I shouldn’t say happened to me, but rather I pursued- haha.  As most people, I too have a bucket list and in that bucket list skydiving was definitely present. So, after a few months of thinking and talking to people that had done it I took the plunge! It was the best experience of my life so far, and I am so happy I did it! It was liberating, accelerating, and just plain fun! I am fortunate that considering I have a chronic illness I was able to do this. I never would have thought that after barely being able to walk I would be able to skydive and doing successfully… it was a great accomplishment for me, and I will never forget it.🙂 I have shared the video with you, if you are interested in sharing the experience with me.

To count my blessings: I love the parents God gave me, the nieces he brought into my life, my friends who love me and accept me as I am, and lastly my health, which has been so much better.

Blessings,

MMD

Realizing My Mistake(s)

Today I had a very clear conversation with one of my best friends (I have 2). This conversation helped me realize the mistake that I keep repeating. I keep meeting people of the same caliber, it always starts the same. Allow me to explain. 

These are the words of the 3 men who have approached me professing their undying love for me. “I love you, you’re perfect or almost perfect”. “Your love is my reason for living”. “Never leave me”. Blah blah blah. They make me believe these words, which I always fall for and then one day decide that “I am crap”.”You are not what you appear to be”.  Comments like that of course make me think “Have I in fact changed?” “Am I really not what I appear to be?” The answer is no. I always am the same person. I am explosive, flirty, demanding, loving, passionate, honest, no filter, but always with the most sincere and faithful love. That is who I am, nothing more than what people hate me or love me for. So when I analyze those words,  I realize that these men project onto me the fact that they have changed, that they expected something of me, something they created in their minds and when I did not deliver to their liking I became damaged goods. 

I am sorry for myself that I keep attracting and accepting people in my life that will ultimately say the thing at the end. The worst part is that I feel it and know it but I proceed anyway. One day I will learn. ONE DAY! Pray for me enlightenment!! 

Have a good night. Blessings everyone! 

Marriage and Divorce 

I haven’t had time to write in a while, but I found it necessary to write about this particular topic. There are two people in my life for whom I deeply care, whose stories have touched my heart and for this reason I have taken the time to write about it.  These friends are stuck in marriages that make them unhappy, however they are still in them. For obvious reasons I will not disclose who they are; a man and a woman that have never met but are in similar situations. I am sure if they read this they will know this post is dedicated to them. As a helping professional I try to process with them to make their marriages better, other times I support them in their decision to simply divorce and go on about their life. 

While these thoughts come and go and they share with me, I have a hard time understanding why two healthy, vibrant, beautiful souls would stay in marriages where their value is not appreciated or taken seriously. I truly believe in marriage, and for this reason I believe that any marriage can be fixed, but there is one thing that needs to happen both partners have to want it. This is where the problem lies- their partners don’t really want to work at it, they are fine the way it is, meanwhile my friends at hurting and miserable. How many marriages survive throughout the years like this? I suffered a lot when my marriage ended, but after 4 years I have to admit that it was for the best. It never would have worked out and I would probably be in the same situation these two dear friends of mine are in. 

I have to ask where is their self esteem? What is their perception of a relationship? Do they not see their worth? 

I would love for these loving and caring people would find someone that worships them and sees them for who they are, amazing human beings that are in need of love, caresses, time and affection. What else is there for me to do but to support and care for them as I hope one day they will have the courage to walk away from a marriage that does not fulfill their needs. 

People = Weird

Good Evening, everyone!

As many of you know I work in the counseling field. I have an MS in Clinical Counseling, and I am currently working on my PhD also in counseling. But I always get amazed at people’s reactions to things. I have discovered that if a 50 year old acts and reacts like a child, it is because when they were in fact a child in physiology they were not taken care of properly. But rather their loved ones thought that by allowing them to “be themselves” that was loving them.

I have learned that loving someone does not mean to take all of their negative behavior. It does not mean to allow them to be disrespectful, insecure, offensive, etc. Loving someone means helping them to be better. How? Teaching them, allowing them to explore their likes and dislikes, help them grow as individuals, help them become intellectuals. Plant a seed and see it grow. That is what my internship supervisor used to say to me while I was doing my Master’s. Maybe you will not see the end result, but give them the tools, and they will decide when to use them.

It really saddens me to see that people judge without knowing anything about the person. It makes me sadder when it happens to me. I have been a victim of this many times, and while I understand it is not a reflection of the person I am, but rather the person they are, it still hurts. Part of growing up is making a decision based on a person’s individual knowledge and understanding, not by what they think is or by others opinions or feelings. Maybe I am completely wrong, but I think the world could be a nicer place if people thought for themselves and gave everyone a fair chance. Of course this would not be the be all and end all of making the world a “better place”.

Just rambling thoughts, but in my mind they all make sense.

Have a good night, everyone.🙂

 

Triple P

I am sure many of you are wondering why the title of this post is called “Triple P”, it’s very simple, I want to inform you about it. Triple P stands for Positive Parenting Program, and it is currently what I am doing for work. I go to client’s houses, which are parents that have a child age 1- 12 who is exhibiting negative behavior. The mother, father or both have tried other things, but have not been able to find a resolution, so they try Triple P.

I must tell you that the only reason I am writing about this program it’s because it truly works. At first I did not believe it. I started working at my organization because it was what was offered at the time, I mean, coming from a conventional counseling perspective parenting classes was not at the top of my desired area of work, if that makes any sense. However, I can attest to the fact that this program does work. I see it in my client’s faces, their interactions with their children, and most importantly in the child’s behavior. So I proudly call myself a Triple P Practitioner.

Unfortunately this program is not offered all over the State of Florida.  It is limited, as a matter of fact it is limited all over the USA, and while it is used internationally it is not appreciated enough.

Allow me to give you a little information about this amazing program. It was created in Australia by a clinical psychologist, Matt Sanders. He researched for 30 years the interactions of children and parents, and came up with Triple P. This program is evidence based, which means that it has been proven to work. I urge all parents to look this up, and if they feel they have the time or interest they should seek out this service.

In the Palm Beach County area it is completely free, which I think is great for all of those parents or grandparents that want to be better but cannot afford to pay for services. I recently became certified in it, after a 3 day training and a 2 hour certification test. Very worthwhile, I plan to use it with my own children one day as well as with my nieces. Knowledge is power!🙂

Have a blessed night.

Apocalypse?

I wonder what compels a person to do something behind someone’s back? Is it that they do not care for the effect that action will have, or is it because they want to hurt others? Maybe it’s because people tend to be so incredibly hurtful towards others that even after expressing pain people continue to do the same kinds of acts.

I often think about the world, and how it will end. Being a Catholic I believe in the Apocalypse, but how we will get there is uncertain. However, I have my own theory that the human race will end because humans will end it. How?

The 7 deadly sins. The Bible wrote it for us.

  1. lust
  2. gluttony
  3. greed
  4. sloth
  5. wrath
  6. envy
  7. pride

But also I think selfishness has a lot to do with it. Humans tend to think about themselves, and how they will feel, and forget about the so called people they love. Life should not be so complicated. It should be simple; if the person you love tells you “don’t do this because it hurts me” then that person should abide. Is that asking for too much? I honestly do not think so. But anyway, people are free to do what they think is right. Just as the hurt individual has a right to do what they think is right. Every action has its consequence. There’s a saying I often see on Facebook “You Are Free To Make Choices In Life But You Are Not Free From The Consequences Of Those Choices”. I love that! I have no idea who said it, but I could not agree with it more.

Have a good night everyone!

Coming out of the Storm

Dear readers, I wanted to share with you the odyssey that has been my life these past 3 weeks. I had been very sick, not with lupus, but with pneumonia. I had a type of pneumonia called mycoplasma that is in the air.  People whose immune system are surpressed like yours truly are at a higher risk of getting it, just like I am at a higher risk of getting infected with anything and anyone. Ah the perks of lupus and its meds! 

Anyway, the reason I wanted to share this with you is for several reasons. It’s to inform my readers and anyone who may stumble upon my blog to learn and to become aware of the things in life that usually humans don’t think about. My symptoms started with an acute chest pain that barely allowed me to breathe. It was a desperate moment for me because as you know breathing is kind of essential for living. I was scared because my left arm had also started hurting, so my mind started going crazy places. I immediately stopped at an urgent care close to my home and the doctor said I could not stay there and called 911 and sent me to the hospital. Once again, on an ambulance. It had been a while since I had been on one of those, but nevertheless there I was. They took me to the hospital and there they told me I had moderate to severe pneumonia. I want to add that this type of pneumonia takes about 1 to 3 weeks for it manifests itself. I couldn’t believe it since I had had no other symptoms. The fatigue I had felt I thought it was lupus related since it’s not an uncommon symptom for us lupies to feel, but nope! Pneumonia!!!! 

I was in the hospital for 4 days. Receiving 2 types of antibiotics, IV for hydration and my regular meds. I felt tired, sick and my mind was foggy. Either way since the pneumonia had supposedly diminished I was released from the hospital and sent home to rest from all activities for 7 days and to continue taking the same antibiotics. The result of those antibiotics was that I started an allergic reaction to them. They were killing me. That’s why I felt like a zombie at all times, could barely move, barely ate, barely spoke. I started getting fevers of 100.1 + everyday. I went to the hospital and they told me that those antibiotics had caused me to have an allergic reaction, and the way I was feelings was a result of it. They quickly took me off the other antibiotics and put me on a new treatment. I am a feeling like my old self again. My brain is not foggy, my energy has increased, I want to eat! I feel painless. The lupus is still here and strong, but I am stronger.  I am happy that they caught this, and that I went back to the hospital because I honestly think I would have died. 

God took me on a journey that was difficult but in this journey I learned a lot about the people who surround me.  Thank you to all of those that came to my rescue. Especially my mother with whomout her my life would be worthless. Only a mother catches a plane and stays with her sick daughter putting at risk her job. Only a mother sacrifices her all to be by her child in their time of need. 

Thank you my most merciful God. Thank you mom. Thank you friends.

Bless you all! 

Love is Conditional 

Once upon a time there was a man that said he loved me, and that I was his reason for living. No. This man was not my ex-husband, although if it would have been the result would have been the same. This was another man, a man whom comforted me and came into my life trying to take over everything I was and did. He was a force that while he wanted he didn’t leave me alone but one day I decided to no longer stay quiet because his love was inappropriate and forbidden. But because he did not want anyone to know how he felt, all the meanwhile professing his love for me, he became embarrassed, apalled at the fact that I no longer stayed quiet. I “betrayed” him. 

It’s funny how conditional love can be. I realize that all of his care and attention was with the intention to one day have me. All of a sudden his love disappeared. Are all men the same? I wonder. I guess no matter the age, I keep finding the same type of man.

 However, I am glad this happened because he never would have stopped. He never would have left me and stopped controlling me.  I wish him well. I hope he finds happiness, and I hope the years he has left he will be able to be at peace. 

Did Anyone say Injustice? 

I’ve decided to write this posting because there have been some things happening in my personal life that have obligated me to see the mistakes I have made, and the mistakes I currently make. 

I think my biggest mistake is trusting people that do not value it. Secondly, my tendency to talk when I am very emotional. I must learn that silence is also a gift, not just the ability to express well what we want to say. 

I have learned through the Catholic Church that God loves me with all of my imperfections. And if I am truly asking for His forgiveness He will grant me that. I have asked God for forgiveness for the words I have spoken, for the thoughts I have had, and He has granted me that. How do I know? He has given me the ability to understand and to have inner peace. I am sorry that some people are stuck in the past, and are not willing to see the person I have become. Life is a learning process, some of us make bigger mistakes than others, but we all make mistakes. No one is exempt from the “growing pains”. 

There is a sense of disappointment and despair when people accuse you of things that are half true. What do I mean by that? Making a generalizing statement when in reality there is no validity to it. I hope that God is able to forgive those people that think they are “good” and refuse to see the harm/ hurt they cause in others. I have been blessed with the defect of being honest enough to admit when I am being devious- basically when I am acting essentially human. But I guess that’s what makes me unique in my own way. I make mistakes- yes! I have been filled with anger- yes! But my heart is not a bad one. I help those that have hurt me, and if they are not able to recognize that then I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for those that are not capable of admitting their faults, and tend to play the “victim role”. 

FYI: I have a wonderful job, amazing academic trajectory, and I have loving parents that keep me going in the face of adversity. I honestly don’t have that much time to sit around and gossip about what is and what is not. 

God Bless you all. 

Change? Inevitable. 

Sometimes that hardest things in life are the most necessary. A chapter has closed and a new one has opened. I am actively trying to find peace and tranquility. I have taken a huge step, but there are others that must be taken. I see tears, sadness and anguish but…

“When you go through deep waters. I will be with you” – Isaiah 43:2

I am taking with me the memories: the laughter, the conversations, the lessons learned, the tears shed and using them to keep me when I miss or feel lonely. I thank God for every moment. I would not change them one little bit.  

 
A drink to celebrate life. :-)