My Crazy Mind

It’s funny that I’ve been giving therapy to a variety of clients everyday for the past 2 1/2 months. I have to admit that giving therapy is a way to give yourself therapy. I am definitely learning from the things I tell my clients. During these moments I realize that it’s very different to learn something to pass a class as opposed to learn something to actually put it into practice.
I think back to when I first started in my masters programs and how little I knew about life and conflict resolution, rules of arguing, thinking distortions, etc. God has a way of showing us and giving us the things we need when we need them. However, even though God gave me the opportunity to learn these things, he also gave me free- will and my free- will took me to do the opposite of the the things I was learning; I was never capable of using them in my marriage. I used to spend hours lamenting the decisions, the words, the tones used when arguing with my ex husband. I would find myself blaming me for all the wrong things that happened in my marriage, and it took me a long time to realize that a marriage is of two people and if there is a need to blame then we are both to blame.
Now I’m lying in bed thinking that tomorrow is his birthday, and I can’t help but wonder what he will do. It’s important that my readers now that I pray for my ex- husband every night. I pray that he finds God and that he find himself and what he needs in order to be happy because he is not. The Bible says to pray for your enemies because that’s the hardest thing to do, and even though I don’t consider my ex my enemy I know that he does consider me his enemy, so I pray from him and I pray for me.
I’m also having these thoughts hanging over my head about the things I need to do with my life. Everything is money and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed since I don’t make too much of that. I wanted to get a part time job where I could gain more experience but that’s a hard thing to find here in FL. I’m hoping God will give me a way out of my problems, as He always does.
I really have felt pressure lately due to so many things that are happening in my life. It’s hard not to have a person to support and just listen. But I know God has something wonderful for me. I must believe it as it helps me keep going ; it gives meaning to my life.

The Unexpected Pleasantries

Good Morning Folks.

I’ve been thinking lately that I have not taken the time to write, probably because my life has been so chaotic that I barely have time to sit down and just relax. Something that, of course, my fellow lupus sufferers know it is a necessity not a luxury for us. As you may imagine, I’ve been dealing with physical pain caused mainly by stress. Yuppee for stress! Such an amazing bodily reaction to adversities God created in us. I guess it doesn’t make sense to complain because humans have the capacity to let go of stress or live with and in it. The idea of free-will as God so graciously bestowed upon us.

Anyway, I recently had to move from my apartment, for reasons that I would rather keep to myself (because we never know who could find my blog) I had to leave and quickly find a new home, a home that will only be available until November, so I am currently looking for another place to live. Between finding a place to live, work (which has been picking up lately), cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, cooking, nightly and daily prayers for loved ones who are sick, etc. I’ve been swamped! I guess I’m complaining about the fact that I am finally an adult, not just in age but in responsibility. I have been able to hold my own, but these stressors don’t come without lupus pain. The much dreaded lupus pain, the one that doesn’t let you sleep at night or the one that makes you feel miserable about yourself and to a certain extent makes you doubt if life is meant to be lived this way or not. But I guess this would be an appropriate time to use that old saying, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”.

On the bright side, I have found some truly amazing people. People at work whom have really showed me that God is merciful, people whom pray for me, whom listen and whom care. I really can not complain in that aspect. God always sends me messages through various people, and sometimes I grasp it right away and other times it takes me a little while. The people who took me in when I arrive in Florida, they continue to be a blessing to me. I am not sure what God has in store for me for the next few months, but it’s not my job to know, my job is to cherish Him, pray to Him, and let Him guide me.

Today, I am trying to relax and to feel better because tomorrow is the start of yet another busy week. Thank God I have the capacity both physically and mentally to take on another day.

Blessings.

Life in Florida

I’ve been absent for a while but I haven’t forgotten that I have a blog and most importantly readers of my blog. I apologize for being away for so long, but life has had it’s unexpected turns of events although I live them happily just because life is without a doubt better in Florida.
My apartment is no longer empty! It has a couch and 3 other seats, the decoration is black and white, it kind of reminds me of a hotel. Maybe I’m looking at it with my love goggles on, but I’m happy nonetheless. My mom is an exquisite designer. I’m happy she has that talent so I can use it. Hehe.
My day consist of work. That’s what I do Monday through Friday. My mom was staying with me for a while and we barely spent time together. That made me feel guilty considering the fact she was here visiting me. Now she’s gone and I miss her like crazy!! She’ll be back soon though after her lovely 8 day cruise with my dad. I’ll get to enjoy them for a few days until they head back to good old Maryland.
What can I say about the events in my life that have kept me away for so long? For starters I have been thinking about looking for a place to live that I can call my own once my lease is up. Trying to go down the road of the life long debt that all Americans go through- buying my first home! Yes. Nothing yet but with God’s help hopefully I’ll find something nice.
I have gotten to know a few people down here and while some have turned out to be complete letdowns, I have met some truly amazing people. People of God, and what else is more amazing than that? I still haven’t found a parish down here, although I’m hoping my catechist will contact me soon.
I continue to love my life down here. God continues to be merciful and teaches me something new everyday.

God Bless.

Today

As I sit in my new apartment with just my TV, computer and bed, I feel extremely happy! I am in a reminiscing mood where I am thankful to my parents for sacrificing being with their family to give my brother and me a better life. What better day to be thankful and to acknowledge that than on Independence Day? A beautiful holiday we Americans celebrate! :-) I’m grateful to God because He has given me this new life, and sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I was miserable, lonely, heartbroken and so much more about 6 months ago.

I am creating a life here in Florida, and I couldn’t ask for a better one. The only thing I am missing as of now is having my parents a bit closer, but that will happen in time and at the right time. Nevertheless, I’m grateful I have them in my life and that they will always be there for me and I will always be there for them.

When I arrived in Florida less than a month ago, I was taken in by a couple that have been friends with my parents for about 40 years. They treated me and continue to treat me better than some of my family. This is how my experience in Florida started. Could I have asked for anything better? From the beginning God was welcoming me in this life change. As He continues to do say with every passing day.

I am loving my new job! It’s rewarding, and what I love the most is that God is with me every second of everyday. I have never felt so comfortable and secure in a job as I do in this one. God is showering me with blessings. I really can’t complain. He has really proven to me that:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13

He gave me the strength through the adversities and is now giving me a whole new life that is better than I could have ever expected. God has been merciful with me and for that I am forever grateful.

So with this posting all I want to do is rejoice and remind you that He is there. He is always there, and accepting that or not is part of life.

Many Blessings.

Starting Over

It’s amazing the feeling one feels when a divorce is finalized. After all of the struggle, the tears, the begging, suffering and depressive moods, I can honestly say this should have happened sooner. I wasn’t present today when my divorce was finalized by a judge. I am in Florida and the divorce took place in Maryland. I was represented by my lawyer, my ex husband gave his testimony accompanied by his lawyer. My lawyer told me what his testimony was, and all I could and can think is, how did I remain married to this man for so long? He’s ruthless and unscrupulous; a complete failure as a man, husband and as a human being. But those feelings are normal, I suppose, after such a disharmonious end to this marriage.
But on a lighter note, I am grateful that I was not there today. I’m grateful for being where I am. I have been welcomed by a caring and giving family that has known me practically my entire life. The thing that’s amazing to me is a childhood friend that confessed he had always held me in a special place in his heart. I dont think there is much else to say about that, except that comment made my day.
My life is starting now. What I thought was my life was only an experience, an experience that showed me many things among them the will to continue looking for a better me. God has been merciful with me, and for that I thank Him everyday.

My New Reality

Good Morning, Folks! 

Last posting entitled “Life Changing Decisions” spoke about 2 things that were happening in my life. I disclosed one, which was the divorce, I am walking away! So happy about that decision. My husband offered me a settlement but I had already decided that I did not want nor need anything from him. My heart could not be more light. Anyway, I also told you that I would be reserving the second life change until it became my reality, well here it is: I am moving to Florida!!! I was offered a position as a therapist, so I honestly could not ask for more. While this move will be a difficult one, after all I am leaving by myself, I am looking forward to this next chapter in my life. 

If God put this in my life then He will guide and support me. I have no doubt in  my mind, His will is being done. Looking back in the almost 2 years I have been a separated woman, I am blessed. I am thankful for the things and people God has given me. My health continues to get better, I continue to take big amounts of water, no gluten, minimal dairy and sugar, and at least 8 hours of sleep, although I strive for 10 hours since I feel amazingly wonderful when I do. I continue to exercise although lately after working my neck, shoulder and upper back muscles I am in scrutinizing pain for about a week, I am not sure what brings that on but I continue on my exercise journey. 

I watched this documentary called Hungry for Change,absolutely amazing! This documentary talks about the importance of the foods we eat, stress, sleep, and our thoughts. It’s about a lifestyle change- healthy living! It motivated to continue on my journey, but most importantly it reminded me that everything starts in our head. How and what we think shapes our daily living. They used a quote by Louise Hay that says, “I accept myself unconditionally, right now”. Empowering! Self-love is where it all starts. 

I invite you to love yourself! I invite you to change your lifestyle! Take control of your life! Be certain that the One above takes care of us at all times.

God bless you!

Life Changing Decisions

Recently I’ve been faced with some pretty life changing decisions, and as any life changing decisions, it’s always hard to make them.
In my search for a better well made decision I spoke to many people. I spoke with family, close friends, and my Catechists (teachers of the Bible and Word of God), I also spoke with a high powered lawyer. They all brought me to the same conclusion, my piece of mind is way more important than any money or any fulfillment of revenge. If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m talking about my divorce. Yes! This event is happening soon. It’s finally near. Pretty soon I’ll be a 26 year old divorcé- never would have thought! But I must admit that I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m going to be such a young divorcé. I’ve also come to terms with my decision to let it all go. I explained to my catechist why is it that I was so adamant in wanting to receive alimony and insurance to which he replied “you feel that way because deep down you’re an atheist”. That was unexpected but in some way he was right. Why do I say this? Because when one truly has faith, you know that God will always provide. I had forgotten, I was so caught up in my revenge and getting even that I forgot what is truly important. I forgot that I will be okay. These are not just words, these are facts. I am okay and I will continue to be okay. I have to keep believing in The Lord. I must continue my journey as God intended me to live it. I used to think that marrying my husband was the biggest mistake of my life but if I wouldn’t have married him, I wouldn’t have separated, but that separation was what brought me to know the church, to believe in Him, and to have faith then this marriage was not a mistake, it was in a way a blessing.
So, here I am almost 2 winters ago separated, and I will be finalizing this divorce without the need of a court or a judge. I will decide my faith. I will be bigger than the opposing party and I will say good bye with my hands and heart clean. There is one more reason I decided to end this divorce before it’s deadline. My priest said to me “Sometimes God enters a person’s life through the enemy”. If this “act of peace/kindness” will make my husband belief that maybe God does exist then it’s worth it. Knowing him I’m sure he will think far from that, but miracles happen every minute of every day, couldn’t this be one?
There is also another decision I have to make but that one I will reserve it until I’ve made it and it becomes my reality.

The Song That Helped Me Reach Catharsis

This song was written by Silvio Rodriguez, considered one of Cuba’s best composers/singer/artists. When he wrote this song there was a rumor that he wrote it for Fidel Castro. The song became a national anthem, and till this day continues to hold in many hearts of Cubans. The song is powerful. I took the liberty of translating it for you. There is also a rumor that he wrote it for his first love. Either way the song is beautiful and was perfect for my mood when I heard it on repeat! 

(Spanish lyrics )                                               Ojalá 

 Ojalá que las hojas no te toquen el cuerpo cuando caigan para que no las puedas convertir en cristal ojalá que la lluvia deje de ser el milagro que baja por tu cuerpo ojala que la luna pueda salir sin ti ojalá que la tierra no te bese los pasos. 



 (coro) 
ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones 



 Ojalá que la aurora no de gritos que caigan en mi espalda ojalá que tu nombre se le olvide esa voz ojalá las paredes no retengan tu ruido de camino cansado ojalá que el deseo se valla tras de ti a tu viejo gobierno de difuntos y flores 



 (coro) 
ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones.

(English translation)                                             Hopefully

I wish the leaves don’t touch your body as they fall, so that you can’t turn them into crystals. I wish the rain stops being a miracle that falls by your body. I wish the moon can come out without you. I wish the land doesn’t kiss your steps.

 (Chorus) I wish that that constant stare ends, the precise word, the perfect smile, I wish something happens to erase you a blinding light, a shot of snow, I wish, at least, that death takes me to not see you so much, to not see you always every second, in all of the visions, I wish I cant sing you in songs.

 I wish that the dawn doesn’t do screams that fall on my back, I wish that your name forgets that voice, I wish that the walls don’t retain that noise of a tired path, I wish that the desire leaves after you, to your old government of the dead and flowers.

 (Chorus) I wish that that constant stare ends, the precise word, the perfect smile, I wish something happens to erase you a blinding light, a shot of snow, I wish, at least, that death takes me to not see you so much, to not see you always every second, in all of the visions, I wish I cant sing you in songs.

 

Catharsis

Good Afternoon!

I have a question to ask you all, have you ever reached catharsis? This term was created by the father of psychoanalysis- Freud. It’s a very common term used when there is a breakthrough in counseling/ therapy session.

I am proud to say I reached catharsis today, and the best part it was all by myself. I auto-therapized myself! I feel so light, it’s amazing! I had studied catharsis, but feeling, living it, holding testimony to it is something completely different. Can anyone guess with what I needed to reach catharsis?? If your answer is my ex you are absolutely right! My heart, mind and soul feel so light. For the first time in a year in a half I was able to cry and mourn my marriage the way I should have done.

Whenever I started crying my mom would say “don’t cry” that is the worse thing you can say to someone that is going through bereavement. When a person dies, one needs to mourn and mourn without any guilt. While my ex has not passed, he left and he will never come back that is also loss. I had the opportunity today to be absolutely alone in a different place, a place where God was definitely present, and I was able to cry my guts out. I was also able to rip every “love” note my ex had given me. I was able to look at his picture and tell him what I really thought and then ripped it. So therapeutic! Moments like these make me feel grateful to have the knowledge of psychology that I do. Reaching catharsis is very difficult. It takes people years of therapy to reach it, at times, and with the help of a helping professional.

I am HAPPY! I am LIGHT! I am FREE!

I welcome you to not be afraid to reach this. Your life will have meaning again. My heart has stopped hurting both physically and emotionally. I feel like going dancing tonight! Anyone want to join me?? :-)

God bless you all!

Image

Great Falls in Mclean, VA 5/02/2014

I’m Still Here

Good Afternoon, Folks! Sorry I’ve been MIA. Many things going on.

But I’ve been thinking for the past 2 weeks about what interesting topic to share with you. So many things have been happening in my life that I am overwhelmed and apprehensive about sharing with the world some particular events in my life. I can start by discussing the horrible welcomed My friend B and I received at a birthday party we were invited to in March. It was so horrible that B was compelled to crumble up to a corner and pretended to be invisible. It may come as no surprise, however, when I say that the person who was a rude, mean and just plain bitch in her house was the same person that kicked me out of her wedding when I was first diagnosed. You may ask yourself, why in the world would you share time with her again? Simple. I believe in people changing. I believe in repentance. But silly me! How can I expect that from someone that said to me when I was in the process of getting diagnosed and feeling completely miserable and alone, “don’t wait for God to come down, you have to do it yourself” or something along those lines. How can I honestly expect any good from this person? Not much, right? I feel sorry for her husband, who is in fact a good person but has not realized yet he is probably married to the devil incarnate. The only reason I put up with her is in fact because of her husband. He and I have been friends or were friends a while, I consider him a good human being. I feel bad for him, honestly. It must really suck to think you’re married to a wonderful person and one day wake up and realize it’s exactly the opposite. I speak from personal experience on that one. That’s exactly what happened to me.

I can also talk about my trip to Florida. A trip that was truly wonderful. My mom and I went to Sarasota. What a beautiful place. We went to two neighboring cities: Tampa and Naples. Absolutely beautiful! I felt great! Once again, confirming that warm weather does help me overall. I am already planning my move down there! Woohoo! I have to believe that better things are coming way now. God is always with me, so how can I not think that?

There is also the event of my divorce, which will become a fact in July. I have to admit that while I do feel sad and angry at times, time does cure all,  It’s not easy accepting the fact that I was betrayed by the man that promised me eternal support, a marriage that in my mind was supposed to be for the rest of my life. I know that God’s plan is better. And if He took this person away it is because He will put someone better in its place.

For He says it in the Bible:

No temptation has seized you that isn’t common for people. But God is faithful. He won’t allow you to be tempted beyond your abilities. Instead, with the temptation, God will also supply a way out so that you will be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Keep on holding on! Keep Strong! I sure do! :-)